Mixed Emotions

It's been quite a hectic last several days for me. From driving 4 hours to see my friend in Alabama, to staying out late with him and his buddies to having drive back 4 hours the next day for my brother's high school graduation to going out again with my friend and his sisters friends to having my brother's high school graduation party yesterday afternoon. Needless to say I have had a lot going on plus all the while trying to find jobs that are non-existent, as well as a number of other different personal things that I have been thinking about lately. First off, Florence, Alabama is a nice little city, about the size of my hometown, where my good friend from high school goes to school at. I heard people say how tired of how small their town was and how they just wanted to get out of there because there was nothing to do. All I can say, is if you think Florence is small, go to school in Banner Elk, NC for 4 years, than you will know the true definition of small. At any place you go to in this world you can find stuff to do and while we are on that note why do we always need things to do. What is wrong with chilling out every once in awhile, you can do that anywhere regardless of the size of the place. I think the problem stems from unrealistic expectations of what college life is supposed to be. You see a movie, you talk to an older sibling or friend and they tell you about their experiences and you, naturally want the same kinds of experiences. And when those experiences don't happen the way that you want them to you become disappointed and frustrated at the place you are at instead of living in and enjoying the moment. Kids in my generation have this huge sense of entitlement that they feel things should just be given to them and that they always need to be doing stuff, etc. It is ridiculous and bothers me more than just about anything. I enjoyed my time in Florence and it made me appreciate the smallness of Banner Elk while also being able to appreciate the size of Florence. There were many reasons why God allowed me to stay at the same place for 4 years and I think one of them was that so that I would learn to appreciate my surroundings and be grateful of the area that I live in. I don't need much to entertain me, I don't need the brightness of the big city, although I think it would be cool to experience a big city for a little while to help put things in the right perspective. My brother's high school graduation gave me a lot of time to reflect on my high school experiences and how short ago it seemed that I was in his shoes. It feels like just yesterday that I was in high school with very few worries of what was going to happen next, because I knew where I would be in 3 months. I had no idea of the experiences that I would have and the people I would meet. Now 4 years later I find myself in a precarious position of uncertainty, frustration, and self-doubt. Do I have the skills to be successful in this world? Will I ever meet that special someone who makes my life more complete? Will I be willing and able to take those risks? Being able to forego my shyness and just go for it in any situation. Will I be able to be comfortable in my own skin and not worry what others might say about me? I need to develop a thicker skin than I have now because that is the one thing that sets me back is my reluctance to speak out for fear of being wrong. Finding that balance between not talking enough and being social enough is something I need to strike a balance with. I am tired of having regrets of not talking to certain people when I know I should be getting to know them and trying to forge some type of meaningful relationship. It keeps me up many a night recently. I always think there will be other times to talk to someone, but know that will not be the case. I try to always live in the moment, but many a time my mind will wonder off in that moment and I become distracted thinking about what is going to happen next instead of enjoying the company I am in. I don't know why I do that, maybe some psychology expert has an answer for that. I think part of it is that I like to think before I speak and when I say that I mean I need to plan out word for word what I am going to say in a certain situation when it happens. I cannot wing things very well, never have been good at that. Like for example this weekend with my brother's graduation party this weekend, I knew the question would come up about what I am going to do next with my life? I planned out so many different answers because I have nothing specific that I have decided upon. That is just who I am probably will always be to some extent. While its not a bad idea to think before you speak, I hope I can develop more spontaneity as I grow older. I like catching people off guard, when they say "I did not know that about you," or "I totally did not see that coming from you." So I have that going for me I guess, that element of surprise, but also it tells me that I am not painting the proper picture of myself and not many people know what I am about. It's all about balance. This is the most difficult time ever for me in terms of emotions and stuff going on my life that I am uncertain about. I thought going to middle school everyday and dealing with the emotions of puberty and certain teachers that made me a little uncomfortable at the time, but now realize they weren't really that bad. I don't know who all will read this but this format serves me well for getting things off my chest. Take care.

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