I have been asked many times over the last 24-36 hours about what it feels like to run your last college race. Or how does it feel to be done with running or do you plan to continue running in the future? All good questions, and I'd be lying if I said I had not thought about my responses to those questions. At the time of the inquiries I had no solid response. All I had was typical me responses such as "I don't know (as I shrug my shoulders)", "it feels ok (with little enthusiasm", and "it feels good." All response with very little conviction. I guess I had never really put serious thought into it and if I did my feelings on it would change from time to time. I think there were some points where I was really eager to get it all done with and move on to something different in my life. Maybe even consider giving up running all together. Something I strongly considered because of the burnout I was feeling over the many thousands (estimated somewhere around 16,000 in my career) miles of miles I had put into the years. Some with a lot of results to show for and many a time with hardly anything to show for all the work I had put in. Competitive running can be very frustrating and challenging. Good results usually do not come by easily. You see people put it in the same work as you and still be better in races for whatever reasons that may be. Or it can be frustrating as a team when you work so hard to come up just a few measly points from reaching your dreams (2007 XC finishing 22 points out of 2nd place at Regionals). It takes awhile to get over that disappointment and I still feel that carries some weight for me today. Its like you tell yourself that no matter what you do it just is not enough. I realize that it will not always be the case, but its a frustrating disappointment none the less. You will always think that there is something more that you could have done to make it happen.
So my thoughts as I leave the sport of collegiate distance running are not all that clear right now. On one hand there is a little sadness that I won't get to go on any more van or bus rides to all of these different places. The camaraderie of being on a distance running team is unique and can't be replicated. I know its cliche but we do what other sports consider punishment and we do it for fun (for the most part) and we do it to see what our potential is. At least that is why I continued to do it to see if I could squeeze any more times and numbers out of the abilities that God gave me. I was fortunate to be able to squeeze one little second off of my 1500m time this year. It was the only PR I set my last year of college running. Frustrating to say the least as you watch others around you drop times and you feel like you are running in quick sand to try and catch up. I feel that like with everything, everything happens for a reason. There was a reason why I was not able to drop my times like I wanted to. Its not because I did not set goals or work as hard as I had in the past. I feel like I did these things, but still fell short for whatever reason. I feel that reason was that my patience, determination, and will to keep pushing on even when times are not good and things are a struggle. Stuff that is important down the road of life.
Running can be a microcosm of your life. How do you deal with the struggles, how do you deal with pain, injury, and going that extra mile when it may feel uncomfortable or risky. In racing you have to know when to gamble to lay down all the chips and make a run for it. If you do not take that chance you may never what lies behind the other side of that door. Running teaches patience. It is a long-term results focused sport in my mind. You have to be willing to see what a run in mid-July is going to help you to run better in late October. Every run as I like to say serves its purpose, whether you realize it or not. Its like building a pyramid. You have to begin with the base, which takes the most time and is not the most glorious part of your training. Than after the base is in place you get to add some faster stuff and then you get to race and that is the top of the pyramid where all of the sweat and miles will hopefully pay off into a positive result for you. I think one of the things I enjoyed most about running was the process of all the miles you put in to see how all the puzzle pieces fit together. What will this workout do for you in a race, etc.? Running is a blue collar sport, it does not get the national attention, and all the work is usually done out on some isolated roads or trails where very little people have access to. Only you know the work you put in. It used to be high school that in cross country I would look forward to the workouts, but dread the races. In college it became a complete 180 almost as I dreaded having to do an 8 or 10 mile tempo run. I would rather race the 8k or the 10k. I still enjoyed the process but I learned to appreciate more the art of racing. I was never nervous before the start of a college cross country race. Every high school race I wanted to run away from the start line and not have to race. I think the biggest difference between my feelings in high school and college had to with confidence. Confidence that I could run fast because I had done the training. That is where I got my confidence from, the training, the miles put in. For some reason in high school I didn't have that confidence and I probably overachieved as a result of that. Its part of mental maturity I think, not being afraid to take a risk in a race and having no regrets when you crossed the line. As I wound down these last few races of my collegiate career, each race served a greater importance. I would run each race smart and to the best of ability. If the pace for me needed to be quick early on than that's how I approached it. If it needed to be slower than that's how I would race it. I do not know the specific reason why I struggled this last year. I have given it quite a lot of thought and came up with no definitive answer other than this. My body and my mind is telling me, you have already pushed so hard for so many years you just do not have that extra gear that you used to have had in the past. The body is shutting down, so to speak, from competitiveness in running. Its time to compete in something else. Its hard to explain clearly but that is the best response I have to why I struggled this year. My body just was tired and my mind could not overcome this and push to a different level. The runs were not as easy as they used to be, the workouts were a struggle all the time. Its amazing to me how so much changed in such a short period of time. I should've been able to compete better but I did not up to my standards. My body was telling me, no you will not be fast today. I think the carryover from 2007 XC had a lot to do with all this. So much time and effort spent, but with unsatisfactory results to boot. I improved a lot from when I first got here running around 31 minutes for 8k down to around 28 minutes. The 5k dropped from mid-18's to mid-16's. My 1500m time dropped about 10 seconds. So I accomplished many things here and I do not regret the decision I made to be a part of this team (only regret was not realizing how cold it gets here in the winter time). I had many a great memory here and it is a place that allowed me to grow and development at my own pace not someone elses.
Although I did not have quite the finish I wanted to (a 435 1500m and 209 800m on my final day of college running), I hang up the spikes for the final time as a collegiate runner with pride. I have a lot of people to thank for that, too numerous to mention, but thank you to everyone who played a part in my running career. All the way from middle school and beyond, up to the present day. You have helped me to learn so much about this sport and how fortunate I was to be able to do it for so long. Not everyone gets opportunities like this and I am very grateful.
Thanks for reading.
Mb
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